Yep, still alive. BLah. Now i'm gonna go bone my boyfriend.

Well today was the day. Brad is now (hopefully) about an hour away from Tokyo, from which he will wait for a few more hours and then take a flight to Beijing, China.

Today was rather... yeah.

I've been pretty down, going back up, remembering this isn't a good bye, but being angry and sad all at once.

I had slept over the night before along with Mark, and damn, sleeping on the floor was a bad idea. My freaking neck hurts like a sonvabitch. Still, had some pretty interesting dreams.

Sigh*

I'm gonna try to keep up a blog or something of my feelings everyday that he is gone. This way, whenever something happens to me, I'll remember and tell him when he comes back.

Like today was probably the worst goodbye ever. I mean, I didn't even get to kiss him how I wanted... He was gone too fast... And when his Dad and Mark and I were walking away, I felt like something warm and moist that I didn't even know was really there left me through my back like a vapor with tendrils in it.

...God, now I'm crying. I'm actually very sad that I didn't get to kiss him good bye how I wanted. I didn't even get to say that I love him... Oh god I hope he knows. Its really surprising me how much him leaving on this trip is affecting me.

Sigh*

SO yeah, emotional crying session 1. Haha. Its going to be okay, its just hard to not have someone with you when you've been attached at the hip for months.

So, after we left him at the air port, the ride back to South Elgin went relativly quick. However, when I went to work right after, it took me 45 minutes to go 3 miles... I swear to god I hate construction.

Then there was a day at work, blah blah blah. It was okay, besides the giant lump in my neck. Almost cried at work too, that's not kewl. u.u;

Oh well, blah.

Well, its been a while. Lots and lots has happened..

First off I got a new place, a very nice apartment in a upper class condiminum complex. Its very spiffy (were it not for a noisy neighbor and ridiculous birds it would be perfect.)

I've hooked up with a old boyfriend from high school and things are going swell. I've just spent the last few days with him so maybe a small break is in order since I think i'm starting to PMS so it would be best for some time alone. I know the cycle has started because I become aggitated and start thinking of things that I could do to break us. So yeah, other than me being a retard and having small thoughts in my head about bad things everything is going pretty damn well. New car, new place, awesome boyfriend, hell, i even got a raise at my job.

And you know what? This is probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. And I'm not here to complain about anything, because there really isn't anything to complain about. I think the closest thing that I can bitch about is still the douche from work whom I dated. The way he acts towards me depends on how is day has been going, so that sucks because when its bad he likes to make any excuse to yell at me during work... One of these days I think I'm just going to go to HR with this... Its been nearly 8 full months since he dumped me, and yet he still feels like he can do whatever he wants to me. It must really make him mad to see that I've moved on. But you know what? He deserves his bitter loneliness for all the shit he put me through and still is. So fuck him the fucking little prick. I'm done with defending him to people who see what he still does to me. Heh, I should probably stop writing about this since its late and I should really try to either draw or just go to sleep. x.x

In other news my boyfriend totally surprised sexed me on Saturday. It was freaking hilarious because for most of the day he was complaining on how tired he was, and when he got back to my place he went straight to bed (its like 4 in the afternoon mind you) and then after a while he just couldn't sleep and had taken off his clothes (except boxers) as time went on. And I would periodically check up on him, then when I teased him about how his clothes kept coming off he just started to snuggle me like I was his teddy bear and we had like a 5 minute nap. Then some light kisses started, then some heavier kisses. Then I totally touched his nipple and that did it. He just went all "ME MAN. YOU WOMAN" but in grunting form. I kept asking questions on how I thought he was tired and all he answered with was a grunt and a moan....

After the epic love making there was just laughter and him finally forming words. It was hilarious.

So yeah... gRRR! Stupid PMS! I swear 2 weeks before is hell... I feel like I have all this energy, but I know I should go to bed since we got some new people coming to work tomorrow so its bound to be epic. garg


I should draw....sigh*

Oh, and WALL-E is awesome. I love Eve and got a really cool toy of her. I'm totally going to bring it to work to show it off. :)

Well its been a long time now since I've last written. And well, a lot has happened. First off, I never moved into that one joint up in Arlington Heights, they actually sold the apartment on me. So then, a month living in a room full of boxes, then finally found another place which is A hella a lot better!

...In like, 3 days... sweet.

Well guess what happened to me not even an hour ago as I was coming home from my friend Adam's house? My fucking car broke down. Coming down on Irving Park road my lights flicker and then the car slows, the steering goes stiff and the check engine light comes on. I barely make it onto my street and near the corner the car stops and dies. I then push said car for about an hour and a half trying to make it over the crest of the hill which will lead me down to my house, of course without the power steering or drive or brakes that proves to be very difficult. Yeah, pushing a car by yourself in 36 degree weather sucks. And for a while there I almost made it without the help of anyone (especially guys). But then the car just wouldn't budge anymore and I had to call my mother and she pushed me with her car down the hill...


now i got to spend the money i was hoping to save for an apartment with to fix this car...or put a down payment on a new one.

All I know is that if this car is going to take over $600 to fix, its not worth it.


... I'm never going to save money to move out I swear. x.x

i hate feeling this way. i really do. it feels all i can do is cry and cry and cry and think of something i hate and cry some more. i was okay this past week. really. i even drew.

but lots of projects showed up at work and i got a bit overworked. in fact i just got home from work today after a 45 hour work week and put in 6 hours. and will have to do the same thing tomorrow if not more. and then probably work 12 hours on monday to meet a deadline.

but that's not what gets me. its the fact that its all i have. i contacted friends, my girl friend and wanted to see if she'd want to hang out. no, she's at her friend peters place cause he's like 3 minutes away from her. fine, have fun.

i contact my other friend just to ask about his puppy and i know i won't see him tonight cause its just weird to see him on a saturday night when he has a girlfriend.

and that's it. those are the only two people i can hang out with.

so all i have left is home, and mother, and work work work... my arm is numb and i can't stop cring....

...But my iPod died this morning. x.x

Well I think i'm a manic depressive...or bi-polar or something. Or maybe I'm just suffering from GAD which is general anxiety disorder... maybe a boarderline bi-polar... probably the last two.

I ended up in the ER on friday, having felt like i was having a heart attack. it was kinda embarissing since co-workers drove me there... i felt like real shit though, my heart and chest aching the whole week (since Monday which was my 23rd birthday. hah! "Happy Birthday! Here! Have some chest pain!")

SO yeah, that's how my work week ended. I started to feel better on the weekend though, probably because I wasn't at work! XD

That's so not a good thing. I really need to work. x.x


....I was going more with this, but now I'm tired.

Well i'm going to be 23 in the next half hour, and I feel like i'm lost in my life right now...

I feel like i'm just not able to be truly happy, and i get annoyed with my friends cause they're always going to do something to make me feel down for one reason or another. and i feel like my inner strength is gone... its not even broken its just gone.

it feels like its a dead deer on the side of the road with its guts and ass ripped open by some animal.

....




my ovary hurts.

I've been thinking a lot lately, my mind running in circles and circles much like my life does. I seem to keep going through the same mind sets, and always have. Good times good times, horrible times... Its always a constant thing, But lately its just been horrible. A couple of weeks ago during the whole wisdom teeth thing (and a few days before that with the whole Halloween thing) I had a mental break down. A serious one. I just couldn't stop sobbing, and actually had to have 2 of my closest friends come over. Even my girl all the way in Cali had called me just out of the blue. I was surprised they even cared and actually came out. I thought that i was alone, that no one would care, which I seem to think a lot about everyone in my life. I don't know why I get like that, but I always have. Maybe what I have to say next will help identify why I feel this way.

Since then I have had panic attacks, crying fits, and just all around depression. I put on a strong happy face at work, and cry my way too and from it. I've had thoughts of people hurting me, paranoia, and just all around anxiety. And with all thats gone on this past week its just been worse and worse.

I know my mom has been through a lot, from childhood, to her and my dad separating, and now recently the surgery. But as time has been going on, and as I've been getting older, I can't help but feel hopeless, like she does. I feel like I have to be home because otherwise she'll be alone. She doesn't have many friends, and I know she's lonely. She gets into very negative states, or comes home from work angry and depressed, and I have that to look too. And then later or the next day, when I'm all sad and depressed, she wants to be happy and have me be happy with her.

I live with my mother and I'm going to be 23 in January... 23. I've never lived on my own. I want too so badly, but my mother needs me to help with rent. I could pay for my own place and everything with my pay, but because of her I don't. And even though I pay for half of this house, its not mine. Its hers. And its far from the rest of my friends. I'm so tired of dreading a long drive more than the wanting of seeing people. I need to move out, be on my own, but I dare not say these things I know she'll get mad. She'll either make me feel guilty, or get upset and start crying. Or say I'm not ready and don't know what I'm talking about. I'm going to be 23!!! AND I'VE NEVER KNOWN WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ON MY OWN! I feel trapped. I feel like I have to be her companion when I should just be her daughter. And even though I love my mother, I can't be the little girl anymore. And I can't be a woman when living with her. I don't care on how much I'm not around anymore. I can't and am not as happy or free as I long to be. And its hard for me to find words to tell her this without her automatically thinking I'm leaving her or abandoning her like so many others have done... And then the newer older me doesn't give a crap, because its not my fault and its not my responsibility to try and make up for what others have done to her. Or atleast that's what I try to tell myself, cause I always seem to just break down and can't say what I mean. Her presence makes me weak and dependent. I don't want to be dependent anymore, but because of the way things are its so hard to try and break away.

And since she had the surgery, and with me being as I've been, I have been going crazy. This whole week was nothing but a rollercoaster of doom. At least emotionally for me. I had some okay times, and then just anxiety of just feeling trapped. It was my week off, and mother is sick. I have to take care of her and have, and still had wanted to go out and be young. ....sigh. I don't feel like typing anymore. I'll update this later...

Well I saw him again, and I saw all of him again.... Never mind my last post. Even though its not what I'm used too, its like it was made the way it is for constant G-Spotness.... x.x.x.x.x.x.x.xx.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x holy fucking christ.


So yeah. Thanks for the advice. :) I take back what I said about it, I was just really freaked out, but no more. XD

tee hee...


Still fighting fleas.... My room is clean but now my Mom's room isn't. Sad face. :(

Well we have fleas... hurrah! I found a dead one in my bed. Double hurrah! Its 11:00 pm and I'm waiting for my new bed sheets too dry! Third hurrah!

I WANT TO KILL THIS FUCKING LOVE BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


All she does is bark in my ear cause she knows I'm right here! I hate her I hate her...


So yeaaahhhh.....

Tomorrow I gotta go see a oral surgeon since I have to get my wisdom (sp?) teeth taken out sometime soon. shudder*

I hate dentists and the like... my mouth. my poor mouth. And then I have 3 cavities too... gotta get them filled....yeaahH!

ugh.

and that one guy who I lent my avatar stuff too hasn't even talked to me since monday. blaaahhh...


and i'm itchy.

garrrrggggggg.

Long time no write... or type rather.

I finally got a new computer. Its a spiffy macbook pro and i'm currently stealing internets from some unlucky soul.... Oh well, it ain't too bad. I'm not going around looking at porn or fooling around on some internet hogging site....atleast I don't think livejournal is such a site..

Anywho I'm kinda...I dunno. I guess I'm kinda wondering if I'm such a great person. Tonight I was with a friend of mine from college, and I kinda like him, but I just had a huge....i dunno....ending with the man whom I've ever been with more nearly 2 years... The one person who reads this knows its Tyler I'm talking about. Yeahhhh...

So anywho I'm with my friend I kinda like, but he has a ex-not ex girlfriend he's living with right now, and not really by choice. Basically she hit some hard times and had no where else to go, so he took her in. So yeah.... I feel like a slutty slut whore whore, even though we didn't do anything wrong except for going to get pizza and maybe watch some Avatar: The Last Airbender.

I let him borrow my 2 seasons so he'll be ready for the 3rd season when it comes out on Friday.

But yeah. When we got back to his apartment she was home, and I just totally got the worst vibes and shit and I felt like poopy and I don't want to be thought of as that "other woman" type shit.


Its just.... I don't need him. So its nothing like "OhH! I can not live without youuuusususu!"

Its just a while back while going out with a group of people it turned out we had some stuff in common, and dating could be a lot of fun...

Its just things are so fucked up right now. With both of us. I can see what he's going through right now, but my shit is so fucked I don't know...

I guess I ended it with Tyler... Again. But then he came and talked to me... And if only he would have done that before... god dammit why does everything have to be too late. And why do I have to feel so fucking guilty when I haven't even done anything wrong? Have I? Have I become some souless bad person.... I don't remember how I got here. I don't remember losing my sense of honor. I didn't do anything wrong god dammit. Why do I feel like this? What did I do to deserve such bad karma?

Yeah, I had a really really bad week end week before last. Around the 8th and shit.... It was, to say the least, a weekend from hell. I spent all last week recovering from its retardedness and stayed in doors watching Avatar with my mom. Which wasn't so bad.
And then this past week end wasn't so bad either. I got a new laptop, hung out with friends on Saturday. Cleaned my room and house on Sunday and yeah. Not so bad....

Its just.... I don't know. Am I really a bad person? I seriously don't try to be... I see the different paths that can define me as a person depending on the choices I make. Its not like I'm going through life without looking ahead and what can happen and what could. Its just sometimes I feel like I'm the one fucking things up, but not because its just me, but because I've gotten the shitty end of the stick for too long, and that sort of dissapointment just kinda sticks with ya.


So yeah... To whoever reads this. Probably only you intervigilum, since you seem to be the only person who ever gets around to reading my blogs. Thanks for that, and I'm sorry to read all the shit you've been going through....


I think we should both swear off men and become sexy lesbians. I'll be the butch and you the bitch. How does that sound?


P.S. I think we have fleas in my house even though we don't have any animals. Stupid woods and trees and stupid tree mites and fleas jumping into our house because of rainy rain rain... God dammit.

Well nothing that terribly new has been happening. Just going to work, learning some stuff, got to look at stuff, and am now working on some stuff. :)

But I also just won a bid on a Appa plushie sky bison! YIPPE! Oh he's so cute! I can't wait until my money goes into my paypal and I get him! He's soo cute! See?

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So yeah, I won him! And he's going to be my best bud. :D

I also finished reading Anita Blake: Danse Macabre, and.... It sucked. The whole book, up until the last 3 chapters was complete crap. I mean, seriously! CRAP CRAP CRAP!
I'm disappointed that I spent the money on it, but now I gotta read the very latest one, cause this whole crappy book was like a leading up to the next one. I swear to god. x.x
But at least the new one sounds good and has Edward in it. :)

But yeah, just gonna go back to working and waiting for Appa! Later peeps.

Well, I finally did it. And its for real this time since he won't let me take it back.

After about 2 years (our 2nd anniversary would have been sometime this week I think) I broke up with my boyfriend Tyler. Don't really know why I'm posting it here since noone but one person really reads my posts and stuff, but maybe its just so I remember this.

I just got tired of just going over to his house, fooling around or whatever, and then hang out with the boys. We barely ever went out (last time I can remember going out and spending money with him was for a dinner a week after my birthday or something) and that's it... But that's not even the real reason why I decided it was time...

It's mostly because we were very different. He could sit there and be entertained by a clock, and I would be going bonkers. But when I would tell him this he would just tell me to calm down. I did and I tried to live like him, just laid back to the umpth degree.. Yeah, that doesn't work.

I'm a negative person who has her high points, but the more I tried to ignore that about me, I hated myself. Don't get me wrong, I can hate myself on other times too, its just that's me, and being with him made me ignore that part of me... Doesn't really make sense, but oh well. I'm sure he meant well, but to constantly feel like I had to shut some part of me off just so we could be together isn't right.

Also I felt like it wouldn't really matter if I was there or not a lot of the time. He could be content with just his friends or a comic book, or the internet or some game, and me being there would only be exciting for a little while, usually in the bed room since we didn't really do much else. And then back to the whatever it was he was doing. That happened more times than when we'd end up cuddling all night or talking when we could both hold a conversation.

And then I felt like I was the one who had all the responsibilities of the relationship. Just the worry and the wondering what the other would want to do or what need they had, he might offer me food, but that was if he had food to begin with. And sure, he's strapped for cash, but then why is he going and buying Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD sets? Among other things. Its just the more I think of it, the more he would spend on things than something for us, were as I would buy things just to use for him.....

And towards the end when I wasn't talking to him for more than 2 weeks, he barely called me. He didn't even try to talk or to compromise or nothing. "Its up to you hun," is all he would say. Yep, always up to me. Like it didn't matter if I came or went even though I know he'd be hurting afterwards. No action on his part, just reaction. The only time he was assertive in that aspect was when he chased me for a year. After that and when he got me its just like he stopped trying to impress me or something. Just stopped trying to get me to want him. heh...maybe why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Naw, he's not a pig like that. As a friend he is one of the best, but as a boyfriend, he could be a lot better. I just wish I would have had the strength to finally do this and stick with it like the other times I tried to say goodbye. I should listen to my gut more often. sigh*

Yep, that's it.

I know I can't say much right now because lots of people might not have seen the film in the wee hours of this morning, but I have one thing to say about it besides the fact I was very glad to see it..


FUCK EMO BLACK SPIDEY! FUCK 'EM! OLD SPIDEY IS STILL THE BEST! XP

You start thinking about your relationship with your boyfriend and wonder why its still there?

nothing much going no, just kinda cleaning up around the house getting ready to meet with a career adviser from school. guh, I gotta drive all the way to a fashion bug first because when i got these cute carpi's from them they left the damn security tag in them. arg arg arg. and the school is totally on the other side of the fucking world too. oh well.

i had to fix my car a couple of days ago and now i'm $622 out of money. i have maybe $60 to last me whenever.

so yeah, i really need a job. i don't even want to think about student loans yet. oh god i owe so much!

sigh*

this is all poopy, but hopefully sometime soon I'll get a nice gift trade from this chick in england who makes wonderful RE4 merchandise. She makes it herself and trades people for drawings so she doesn't really make a profit. So that's cool I guess. A Leon hand bag and some Leon car dice. :D

So yeah, that's it. bleb.

Well, I got something to share, a little story that I typed up after writing late last night. Kinda sappy, but whatever.

( A Farmhouse Christmas )